Broken…

“Broken”: One of the most amazing places to be! My broken heart sent me straight to My knees! (I thought I knew what surrender was, but what I know now is that Ego is tricky).

For the last couple of months I have been right here. Broken, powerless…angry!

I continued to fight my brokenness, to try and “heal” my heart. After all, I’m a great and powerful energy healer! After a while, my own Ego became less and less convincing and (with all the typical “I’m here for you” “sorry for your loss” and my personal favorite…”I love you FRIEND”), so did everyone else’s.

I found myself wondering “where did everybody go?” (I really knew, but wasn’t ready to accept it, after all…they said they were my friends and that they LOVED me)…until I was broken…

I was broken, and alone and hurting!…

I can’t tell you what happened or even when it happened, but I can tell you that one night I was laying in my bed feeling sorry for myself and my broken aloneness when I felt myself shrink (quite literally)! Everything was so much bigger than me, even my ego, it was like being in that movie “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids” and it was scary. As quickly as it happened, I woke up, feeling… weeping… filled with the purest love I’ve ever known.

I got it of bed and instantly fell to my knees! I finally surrendered! Shouting, I looked up and said “I can’t do this ALONE anymore, I just can’t! Please…please…please”

I crumpled to the floor, weeping… sobbing, completely broken, wide open and raw!

…an amazing thing happened!… somehow, some way, I just knew that I don’t have to do it alone, I can’t do it alone, I was never meant to do it alone. Once I surrendered to a force greater than myself (called “it” God if you want, or not)…I broke *completely* and felt spirit for the first time in a really really long time…EVER!❤

I’m still broken, but I’m no longer alone!

You matter…

You don’t have to keep repeating the same old patterns/mistakes just because “that’s who you are”. If you don’t like it, change it! Your friends and family’s needs are not always more important than your own. Letting your goals and desires fall because you have been somehow led to believe that THEIR need or desire is greater and more important than yours is just fucking stupid. Especially when they are manipulative and dishonest in the process. Paradoxically, Forgiving this “behavior” is not difficult for those of us with this “condition” that’s easy and we do it all the time by believing their justifications and sometimes flat out lies! The difficult part is not allowing to happen over and over and over. Being compassionate and giving actually DOES include you! First and foremost…
And you know what? It’s fucking ok!
It’s quite simple actually… just stop! Stop it right fucking now!!
I know it’s hard…where does one begin?…For me, I’m starting at the very beginning by realizing its my own damn fault!

Just stop…

Just stop!

They’re comes a time when enough is enough! Stop Fucking around and just create change!

If you’re unhappy, angry, sad, hurt, jealous, mean and dramatic…and don’t like it. Then change it! There’s always a choice! It’s never anyone else’s fault, you choose to be what you are. Nobody makes you that way!

If you’re sick of being angry about something…then stop being Fucking angry! If you’re tired of being sad…stop being Fucking sad. If you’re sick of fighting, just stop!

If you are waiting for someone else to change before you can be happy/be nice/move on/get over it…this is a cop out and a poor excuse not to change your own SELF.

The “I can’t until he/she does…” doesn’t work. It never has and never will. Trust me, I tried for years!

When you start doing you and focusing on your own changing…a miracle occurs! Really…your fucking world changes. When you finally give up the victim attitude and take responsibility for your own happiness that is when you will find happiness.

“As above So below, As within So without”! If you’re shitty on the inside…guess what? You’re world and everything and everybody in it will be shitty. If you choose happiness, GRATITUDE, and love…this is what your world and the people in it will reflect back to you. But it is up to YOU not “them”!!

Your joy it’s not your mommy’s/friend/sister/neighbor/lover/husband/wife’s responsibility! When you make it their responsibility…you give your power away! You give them the power to make or break you.

Now, all that being said…I realize there are certain extenuating circumstances, that may or may not be out of our control, that create negativity in our lives. Such as illness (depression, bipolar, PTSD, there’s alot of nasty ones), natural disasters, death, mean shitty people, vampires, slimeballs. There are things outside the realm of our control that contribute to our own negativity…

but here’s a different perspective…

Are these things REALLY out of our control? The only one I can think of that we have absolutely no control over…mother nature! Death is also out of our control, but our reaction to it…is not! Be sad, grieve, mourn and memorialize! Just don’t live there! This is a different discussion for later…❤

Okay, sure you can’t control other people and the things they choose (even if you think you can, manipulation is not control), BUT you can control your participation with these people and their choices. You can control your reaction to their slimy shitty ways.

**sometimes we have to participate because there comes a point when we need to take responsibility for allowing someone to hurt others and stop them. Would you let a human abuse another human in front of you, because it’s “not your business, live and let live”, or would you step in and help because at some point continuing to allow it to happen makes you just as accountable?

Anyway…

Illness, this is a tough one. I suffered from manic depression for years…until I didn’t want to suffer anymore and I began to take an active role in changing it. Of course it didn’t happen over night, but I found a good doctor, I reached out, I took medication until I didn’t need it, I researched natural approaches That led me to yoga, meditation, energy healing and divinity. I started forcing myself to focus on GRATITUDE (there’s that word again) and all the beautiful things I had to be happy about. Sure, these things didn’t always work. I had bad days, weeks, months…but I will tell you this: once I chose to beat it, to stop owning it, and to take an active role in my mental health… I GOT BETTER!! every day was a struggle but I knew I was getting better and headed for full recovery…so I chose to forge on past the rough days, clawed out of the dark and kept trying until I found the solution. Even when it was impossible…I kept going. Because THAT MOVING IS THE HEALING…there was never any “end result” or “outcome”. I just chose a different path…a different perspective.

If you want change you are going to have to be the one to create it.

Let go of being a victim…it really doesn’t serve you.

Let negative people fall away from your life. Sure, this is hard and it sucks sometimes, but it’s very liberating and I promise the journey is alot less bumpy without the slime balls, vampires, negative nancys, drama queens,..even if you can’t eliminate them all together, you can reduce your participation in their antics. Pull back…love them from a distance.

GRATITUDE!!

Don’t sit around waiting and looking for silver linings…CREATE THEM!❤

You may feel like this post lacks compassion…that’s okay, one day you’ll be able to read it and feel the love pouring out of my heart for you!

This post is not only full of compassion, but passionate, personal and divine!😉

The point is, you do have the power to create change. One simple choice to let go and be happy…sure, you may have to make this choice a hundred times a day, and that’s ok! By making this choice you are creating new patterns, new habits, and a new perspective! Soon it will only be 50 times a day, then 10, then one…one time a day, when I wake up I choose happy! I chose love!

We can’t always do this alone. We need people in our lives who will support our changes and choices, love and encourage us in our journey. We need those people who are willing to kick us in the ass and help move us forward! If there’s someone, or several someones who don’t do this for you…reduce their participation in your life. You’ll be better off for it.

I am only here to love you! I choose everyday to love myself unconditionally, no matter what…and that my dear ones, allows me to do the same for you…I am here for you always!!

Love is a big word! Perhaps the biggest word in the human language…but used so frivolously that it has lost its true meaning. However, that’s a different post all together…

Until next time!

Big Love!❤

Who the hell do I think I am…

I had a teacher a few years back, whom I admired, and I learned so much from. She was wise, beautiful, smart, funny…well, practically perfect in every way (this should’ve been my first clue) but I loved learning from her, and still very honored to have been one of her many students…she inspired me and my practice in countless ways and continues to be an inspiration to many others. My mistake was putting her on a pedestal that she didn’t belong on. I believed that she was genuine, that she did actual care for each and everyone of her students, and to some degree I believe she probably does…but, much to my dismay, I had the unfortunate pleasure of walking in on a conversation which only proved that I had held her to a higher standard than I should have, her response to my questions about what I had heard only showed me more that no student was more important than the money they brought her! And while this belief has brought her great success, it totally crushed me and sent my own spiritual practice into a tailspin nose dive, from which I am only now, really beginning to recover! I only blame myself, for forgetting that she is human, I made her into someone or something that I needed her to be (but she sure had me fooled)…I am sure it is alot of work for her to try and live up to everyone’s standards of a perfect yoga teacher, and even more exhausting because of her own agenda. And while I have moved on from the disappointment, I believe I will always be a little more cautious when handing out pedestals! 😉
Moving on…
I have been in my head alot these past few days(months really), thinking that I have so much inside me, so much that is bursting to come out…to be shared! I felt so full I could bust.
And then something shifted, my ego came out full force, along with every stinking insecurity I have ever had (and then some!). I started feeling sorry for myself. Feeling sorry because I need to share and teach what I have in my heart and mind and soul, but who would want to learn from me? Feeling sorry for myself because nobody can see my potential, nobody sees what I have to offer!
Ha! Was I actually thinking I could teach a class or something and have someone really listen or even show up? What do I have to offer? I don’t have a degree, I can’t afford a certificate from some exotic place in the far reaches of the world. I can’t even afford to take a Reiki class! Who the hell do I think I am?! What started out to be a pretty awesome weekend with the Saturday morning Kunlun class, turned out to be a pretty depressing couple of days…I hate it when I do that!
And then this evening, just like a bolt of lightning it hit me…I am someone who loves to love! I love to give, share, teach, learn, grow…I am a healer! Even without a certificate…I am a healer! I was born in to this life (and many others in the past) to heal, to teach, to love with all of my being! To help others on their path and see their own potential, their own power! I am someone who has been learning, studying, growing, building my own power to heal for more than half my life!! I am someone with alot to give, alot to offer!
I am someone who couldn’t see my own worth, my own potential! I could feel it, deep in my soul…but my insecurities, my Painbody was keeping me from seeing it!
Knowing this now, I can begin to move past the one thing that has been blocking me from following my bliss! I may be the only who ever sees my potential, but at least I can see it now! I may not be able to afford fancy trainings, technical workshops, or career building retreats…but I have so much more than text book knowledge to offer…I have love…there is no training for that!
So here I go…I will teach! I will heal!
Who the hell am I? I am a healer!

As my family and I sat in the waiting room of the surgical department, praying for my mother to make it through her surgery, I met a man, whom shamefully I cannot remember his name, he sat there alone, in a wheel chair quietly watching TV. As I sat there, basically feeling sorry for myself, feeling stressed and sad and scared and all those emotions you feel when you are “thisclose” to losing someone you love, I recognized the look of fear, loneliness in his eyes, he seemed lost. Then he began to wheel himself up to the information desk, where you can check on how your loved one is doing in surgery. I had to help him…I asked him if I could help push his wheelchair, he gratefully accepted, We stopped in front of the deserted nurses station, staring at the very confusing computer screen that is supposed to tell you where your loved one is…in the OR still, in recovery, etc. This chart was color coded and numbered. Of course, they had given him the wrong number for his wife so we had to figure out which line on the graph was supposed to be her. As we sat there, confused he offered that his wife was in surgery having tumors removed from her kidneys, she had been diagnosed with Kidney Cancer just days before. They had come to this hospital from a different state. We sat there and talked about our loved ones, and other things.

I regret that I don’t remember his name. This man from Wyoming had given me so much, taught me so much. I looked over at my sister, my father, my aunt, my son…and I realized how incredibly blessed I am to have such a loving family. He was there, alone, scared…I suddenly felt disgusted with myself for my earlier feelings of self pity.

I invited him to join me and family while we waited. After we all began to talk and relax the wait for my mother and his wife didn’t seem so long. When  it was time to leave the waiting room and follow my mother to ICU, I hesitated…I couldn’t leave him there all alone! How hard that must be for him…he assured me he would be fine, and that I should be with my mother.

After I got to see mom, I went to find him and ask about his wife…he wasn’t there. I wish I could’ve seen him again and been there for him when his wife came out of surgery. I pray it went well for them! …I wish I could remember his name!

 

Do you believe in Miracles?

I will never again doubt the power of positive thinking, of hope, prayer, and the super powers of Unconditional love! And I will certainly never doubt that miracles can and do happen every single day!!!

My mother has been very ill for the last few months. About six months ago she was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure. She was diagnosed several years ago with progressive multiple sclerosis. Over the past year, we have been to hell and back several times, in and out of the hospital, in and out of “critical” condition.

Anyway, recently (about two months ago) she got very sick and the doctors discovered a mass in her colon. They described it as an abscess caused by a serious infection. This abscess had caused a perforation in her colon. We were in the hospital over the holidays, and her condition seemed to have improved, they had decided against surgery because is was way too risky with all her other health problems. So, they released her with antibiotics and pain medicine. needless to say, just a few days later we were calling an ambulance, she had become delirious, she could not walk, or talk, even form a word to tell us what was wrong. They told us that she was severely dehydrated and her kidneys had shut down.

Okay, so she is very sick. Things look very grim, especially after she contracts MRSA from the hospital. They decided that they needed to do surgery to take out the mass and clean up the original infection which was now filling her colon and surrounding soft tissue. They surgery was super risky, even the doctors were doubtful of her surviving the very invasive and intense surgery. But the risk of letting the infection spread more, and the perforation getting worse, was higher than the risk of surgery.

So after waiting and praying for five LONG hours, the doctor came out and said the surgery was successful and mom did good. However the hours and days following were going to be very critical. The day after surgery she was still not breathing on her own or waking up. She was on a ventilator and her vitals were unstable, two days after surgery, she is waking up but still unable to breathe on her own, vitals still unstable, she was scared and confused she would have panic attacks and completely stop breathing. That night, I am certain something happened…and angel came, prayers were answered…something. Mom woke up, stayed calm and was breathing completely on her own. The breathing tube was removed and her vitals were perfect. she was awake and talking, asking for her fan and the Hallmark Channel…and “could you sneak me a Root Beer”?

It has now been three days since we were sitting in that waiting room, praying that our mother would come out  of surgery alive. We never expected that three days later, she would be healthier, happier, and more lucid then she has been in more than a year, She was talking about things from our childhood, that a month ago she wouldn’t have been able to recall and would look at us like we were crazy! Over the last few months she has looked at us like she didn’t even know us, and now….Mom is back! And better than she has been in long time!

So what happened? Medical science? A woman’s will to survive? The power of prayer, positive, thinking, and unconditional love? Why would I question this? My mother is Alive…why does it matter HOW? It doesn’t I guess…but in my heart I will always believe that she was touched by the hand of God! A miracle, she is not finished here!

My mother’s will to live, her strength, and courage is an inspiration! Before the surgery, she told us that she was tired of fighting, that she didn’t want to get better, her will was gone…so what happened that night? Destiny took over, Creator gave her back her will, reminded her that she is not done! Helped her fight to stay with us here to finish what she started!

I will never again doubt…and I am and will be eternally grateful to have experienced this miracle, my prayer for more time with my mother has been answered!

Feeling Ungrounded…Spending way too much time in my head!

Today has been a difficult day…I feel so ungrounded and out of touch…flighty even. several people I have talked to said they are feeling the same kind of energy. You?
One minute I am up and energetically happy, and then BAM…I’m down, sad and on the verge of tears.
Of course there is lots going on in my life. My mother is very ill and in the ICU. And that’s what I wanted to talk about tonight. Our transition home…
There is this saying I heard: When you are born, you cry and everyone else rejoices. when you die, everyone else cries and you rejoice.
How do you feel about death? The Great Transition, when we lay our tired bodies down and go HOME.
Of course it’s sad, and we miss our loved ones. We don’t want to let them go, keeping their souls trapped in lifeless bodies with artificial life support. sometimes they will stay in their bodies because of unresolved issues, or worry for their loved ones. This is not to say that we should give up hope! All illnesses can be healed, if that is the plan…
So, how do we let them go? It hurts so badly…but we know in our hearts that once they lay their body down, they will be at peace, happy, and pain free at HOME. They will know that their loved ones left behind will be okay and continue on their own soul’s journey. and the best part is that they still get to watch, help, and guide us. Becoming our guardian angel…well one of them anyway!
Can we help them make the transition HOME? Definitely! Ensure them that you and their other loved ones are fine, we will hurt and grieve, missing them terribly. Tell them it’s okay to let go, their journey on earth and in the physical body is finished.
No soul has to die in pain and disease, some choose to endure illness for their growth, or maybe even another’s. Death is not the enemy…FEAR of death is.
I apologize for making my second post such a downer…but is it really? why is the topic of death such a “taboo”?
I would really like to hear from you…your thoughts and feelings on the subject.
Love to you all! Namaste!
~D~